Weight: 200.8lbs!
So today is a very exciting day. This is the first goal I wanted to reach!
So the thing is, why do I feel like it isnt enough? I know in my mind that it is a huge accomplishment but it just doesnt feel like it is. I still feel heavy and overweight, and I dont look at myself in the mirror and feel proud. In fact I barely notice that I've lost any weight. Sure everybody else does, they remind me regularly and I love them for it I dont think I would be able to be as successful without my support system. But I start to worry, will I ever be proud of my body? Will I ever look at myself in the mirror and not think I'm fat? Will this obsession with my weight take over my entire life?
I watch my Dad, he is starting to lose weight now, and I watch his mood swings and how obsessively he talks about his weight and I get annoyed. Not because I dont want to hear about it because I am proud of him and I do but because I see all my flaws, and how I acted through him and I hate it, I hate being so dependant on my weight and having to talk about it all the time.
I know I should be proud, I really do, I just dont know if i'll ever be good enough....
Monday, March 17, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Weekends
This weekend was amazing, I did something I never ever thought I would do. I took a whole day and turned off my cell (I know right!) and both my computers! It was AMAZING, I cleaned and went for an hour long run/walk down in fish creek and I read. Bar none, the most refreshing day of my life. I would suggest it to anyone, just one day, tell all your friends like a week in advance and just take a day to be yourself and catch up with who you are. My life isnt three weeks behind now and I'm not particularly rushed to finish everything but I do have a whole new outlook on things and on 'me-time'
This weekend was a definite prioritizing weekend, I decided on things that were important to me and things that weren't. I realized that there are certain people that I really care about and they are the ones I am going to make the effort to spend time with. And I realized that as busy and crazy as my life is right now, I love it.
This weekend was a definite prioritizing weekend, I decided on things that were important to me and things that weren't. I realized that there are certain people that I really care about and they are the ones I am going to make the effort to spend time with. And I realized that as busy and crazy as my life is right now, I love it.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Sunshine
I LOVE THIS WEATHER!
Its so close to spring I can TASTE it! That is beyond exciting for me. And between that and then my project on our imaginary baseball/hockey store I am super excited for the season to start.
I am trying to decide if I want to start running. I hate running, but I know that I need to run. Since its starting to get nice out I'm considering running down at the park and see if maybe I will enjoy it more.
In light of ball season coming up Dad and I have laid down a challenge! I have already given up chocolate (89 Days!!) and he has already given up chips. However both of us eat waaaaay too much of what the other has already given up. So today we laid down the challenge of giving them up. So I give up chips and he gives up chocolate.
Naturally, I am going to win this game. Muahahahaha
Its so close to spring I can TASTE it! That is beyond exciting for me. And between that and then my project on our imaginary baseball/hockey store I am super excited for the season to start.
I am trying to decide if I want to start running. I hate running, but I know that I need to run. Since its starting to get nice out I'm considering running down at the park and see if maybe I will enjoy it more.
In light of ball season coming up Dad and I have laid down a challenge! I have already given up chocolate (89 Days!!) and he has already given up chips. However both of us eat waaaaay too much of what the other has already given up. So today we laid down the challenge of giving them up. So I give up chips and he gives up chocolate.
Naturally, I am going to win this game. Muahahahaha
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Forever and a Day
Ahhh. so I havent had much time to update, between school deadlines, work schedules, training times and mad partying I havent had much time to myself!
This diet might be killing my soul. Actually. I take two days, TWO, to not write in a journal (because I am currently between notebooks) and I gain 4 lbs!!! That is cruel punishment! And its hard on my confidence.... It makes me doubt myself, in not only this but my entire life. Like if I cant accomplish this one thing, the one thing I want more than anything else in the entire world, how on earth am I going to become a business owner or an even better pitcher when those things are second to this.
I had an intense emotional convo with a friend last night, he doesnt know this but I cried, for him and me and her. I hate going to bed after something like that, cause i wake up the next day and I'm still miserable (mind you I doubt running on four hours of sleep helps either). And I feel like disgusting this morning cause i ate some nachos last night. I dont even think I like them that much anymore... its just a comfort thing for me now. And I wish I could break the habit. Ugh....
This diet might be killing my soul. Actually. I take two days, TWO, to not write in a journal (because I am currently between notebooks) and I gain 4 lbs!!! That is cruel punishment! And its hard on my confidence.... It makes me doubt myself, in not only this but my entire life. Like if I cant accomplish this one thing, the one thing I want more than anything else in the entire world, how on earth am I going to become a business owner or an even better pitcher when those things are second to this.
I had an intense emotional convo with a friend last night, he doesnt know this but I cried, for him and me and her. I hate going to bed after something like that, cause i wake up the next day and I'm still miserable (mind you I doubt running on four hours of sleep helps either). And I feel like disgusting this morning cause i ate some nachos last night. I dont even think I like them that much anymore... its just a comfort thing for me now. And I wish I could break the habit. Ugh....
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Deep Freeze Day Two
Weight: 210lbs
Ha! So I was reading the post I left yesterday morning talking about how if I went outside I would likely shiver off a bunch of weight. Well, I should learn to keep my mouth shut. My Dad picks me up from school and drives me down south to my Truck and bam! My tire is flat. So my Dad and I (mostly my dad) had to change my tire. In the super cold weather. Effffff. So I go through hell and back with my tires yesterday, from travelling the whole city with my Dad attempting to find the right tire, to spinning my wheels for about forever. And I wake up this morning only to find that my spare tire is flat. ugh. So I've ate like crap for two days. I'm so disappointed that I just give in to my emotions like that!!! AHH. I guess I will just have to get over it and get back on that horse and start again. Well thats all for now I suppose!
Stay Warm!!
Stay Warm!!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Holy Cold!
Weight: 209lbs
So none of you would know this, since it took me like 8 days to post a new entry, but I've been under the 210 mark for almost a week now. This is so exciting for me! On Saturday I got down to 206! Which was unreal! I'm so close to being under 200lbs I can TASTE it! I havent been under 200 since like junior high.
So its like 47 below today. SOOOOO cold! I figure that if I stand outside for long enough I might be able to shiver off like 10lbs. But I am much to selfish and enjoy staying warm too much to do something as ridiculous as that! haha! Mind you I went to the big lululemon sale this weekend and waited in line for like 2 hrs and I'm pretty sure that plus the dancing that night is what made me 206! hahaha so it was definitely a good plan.
Anyways its so cold my class got cancelled so I am sitting at school killin time so the trains will be less full so i can go home! So I should maybe do some homework or something. Ha. Homework...
So none of you would know this, since it took me like 8 days to post a new entry, but I've been under the 210 mark for almost a week now. This is so exciting for me! On Saturday I got down to 206! Which was unreal! I'm so close to being under 200lbs I can TASTE it! I havent been under 200 since like junior high.
So its like 47 below today. SOOOOO cold! I figure that if I stand outside for long enough I might be able to shiver off like 10lbs. But I am much to selfish and enjoy staying warm too much to do something as ridiculous as that! haha! Mind you I went to the big lululemon sale this weekend and waited in line for like 2 hrs and I'm pretty sure that plus the dancing that night is what made me 206! hahaha so it was definitely a good plan.
Anyways its so cold my class got cancelled so I am sitting at school killin time so the trains will be less full so i can go home! So I should maybe do some homework or something. Ha. Homework...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Game On!
Weight: 213lbs
53 Days without Chocolate (I dont know if I mentioned that I gave this up over xmas. But yes I am a recovering chocoholic!)
So like I said, the weight yesterday had a very specific situation behind it. Mind you I doubt my midnight cocktails and popcorn helped my cause today! Hahahaha! Mind you it was smart pop and I only had two drinks but it was REALLY late when i ate last night. And Nikki pretty much saved me from myself AGAIN last night (what would I do without her!) by making me eat smart pop instead of the bag of chips that I really wanted! lol! But today was my first baseball practice of the season!! Oh how I missed that game quite terribly! I'm super excited to be starting up again (pitching is CRAZY good exercise!). So I had practice today but unfortunately there was only two people there (including myself) so tough to run a practice but really good workout/technique time! Then I drove back to the city and taught pitching for an hour which is always good, I love doing waaaaaaaaaaaay more than I thought I would actually.
Thats pretty much it for today. Nothing very interesting, just me dieing a slow death from intense cramps. Have a great one!
53 Days without Chocolate (I dont know if I mentioned that I gave this up over xmas. But yes I am a recovering chocoholic!)
So like I said, the weight yesterday had a very specific situation behind it. Mind you I doubt my midnight cocktails and popcorn helped my cause today! Hahahaha! Mind you it was smart pop and I only had two drinks but it was REALLY late when i ate last night. And Nikki pretty much saved me from myself AGAIN last night (what would I do without her!) by making me eat smart pop instead of the bag of chips that I really wanted! lol! But today was my first baseball practice of the season!! Oh how I missed that game quite terribly! I'm super excited to be starting up again (pitching is CRAZY good exercise!). So I had practice today but unfortunately there was only two people there (including myself) so tough to run a practice but really good workout/technique time! Then I drove back to the city and taught pitching for an hour which is always good, I love doing waaaaaaaaaaaay more than I thought I would actually.
Thats pretty much it for today. Nothing very interesting, just me dieing a slow death from intense cramps. Have a great one!
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